Turning a new leaf

*Warning this is a personal, non- nail polish related post. If you don't want hear about personal stuff random babble, you may want to skip this one*

I mentioned on Twitter last night, that today would be difficult for me. I never intended to really open up on this blog about my personal life, but I find it therapeutic in many ways. I've been in therapy, for the past few months. I've actually been in and out of therapy my entire life, but I've finally found a great therapist.  I've dealt with severe anxiety, depression, and self esteem issues probably since I was 3 years old.

I've been trying to figure out where all this stuff comes from, and I'm come to the realization that a lot of this has resulted from experiences as I had a little kid and teenager. Nothing absolutely horrible happened to me, but I had grandparents, family friends, and peers in my life really make me feel bad about myself continually. I got really terrible messages from people who were supposed to love me, and I had no idea it was wrong. Since, I didn't understand it was wrong, I took it as fact, and that I was worthless and inadequate because so many people made me feel this way. The only safe haven for me was my parents. I'm so immensely grateful for them because they were the only normalcy, love, and authenticity I experienced with people in my life growing up.  It's finally now that I'm able to recognize and become aware of these experiences and how damaging and painful they were. I feel like a lot of these negative feelings I have about myself have held me back from so much in life.

Today was my first EMDR session in therapy. It sounds cooky, but it involves following a therapist fingers  and recalling feelings and emotions from traumatic event in order to process through them effectively, so you become neutral to them.  I was really skeptical and scared about it, but honestly it worked. I was able take one event in my life, fully process through it, and it didn't seem so painful after. The process is interesting, and very hard to explain. In ways you experience a lot of intense feelings and emotions in a short amount of time, and as you continue to process it becomes less painful, you feel powerful versus powerless, and you get this amazing release. That's the best way to explain it, but I was so scared it would be too intense to think about these instances again, but in away it was soothing.

I'm thrilled, and it feels so good to start truly feeling that I'm deserving in this life. There are other EMDR sessions I'll have that target other events,but to get so much relief from one sessions is unbelievable. I've been living with this for 20+ years, and I'm less than 2 weeks from 25. It's so time for this, and it fills me with so much positivity for my future. I'm starting to feel free from all this negativity that I've been plagued with, and it feels great.

I just wanted to share what was going on with me. Thank you all for listening, and do truly appreciate all of you! This blog has been so positive and fun for me. My blog has been my refuge away from perfection in my life. It's now time to embrace the "imperfectness" in my real life.  :)

<3 <3 <3