Time for a serious, I need to vent post. I'd say about blogger inadequacy, but I think it's just overall inadequacy. I feel like I'm a person who is equally afraid of failure as a I am success. Success scares me because I with success comes expectation. If I succeed at something then I'm going to have to prove I'm worthy of that success, can keep up with that success, and then do more to be even more successful. All of that makes me want to go into my bed and crawl into a ball.
Blogging for me has always been an outlet where I didn't have put expectations on myself. Failure and success were not going to be part of my vocabulary as a blogger. I would just be and enjoy sharing nail polish with people who liked it too. When I started blogging in 2010 there were not too many bloggers. The indie craze wouldn't hit it's momentum for another almost two- two and half years.
Not many people received samples from major brands when I started blogging. There were a select few of maybe 8-10 bloggers. Then there were bloggers like me who just wanted to blog their collection. That worked 3-4 years ago. Of course, I felt pressure sometimes to be better than I was, but I knew I would hate blogging if I did.
Blogging is an entirely different species these days. I can name people off one hand who are still blogging from when I started. I can't name a single blogger who is still blogging from when I started whose blog isn't primarily press samples. All of those people no longer blog. To say my blogging style in 2015 is outdated is a massive understatement.
Almost all the bloggers I follow post press samples as the main aspect of their blog. Mind you, I do not have a problem with bloggers posting press samples. Clearly, that is the mode you want to get into if you want to be a successful blogger. I think what made this difficult for me is that once indies struck, it made so many people bloggers and swatchers. Indies needed ways to promote their business so the blogging community started to burst with new people.
I receive press samples that are few and far between on purpose. I know just from swatching polishes I buy myself how much work is put into it. I wanted to have my own schedule, and I knew if put myself out there for press samples I'd basically be working for someone else. I'd feel that pressure I didn't want to feel . So naturally, I just kept doing what I was doing.
The thing is now, it doesn't work. A few years ago in the nail blogging world people knew who I was. I wasn't popular, but people knew I existed. Now, I think some people hear my name either have no idea who I am or think I'm some newbie blogger. I've been blogging for almost 6 years. It sucks to feel like such a nobody.
I remember at Cosmoprof I introduced myself to someone and they said "I think I know who you are", and my response was "I hope! I've been blogging almost 6 years". I think I may of come off big headed, which wasn't my intention. I think I was just more shocked at how irrelevant I have become. It sucks how well I used to know this industry. I was on top of every release, collection, trend, and I knew it all. Now, I can't keep up with anything. I'm so freaking irrelevant and dated it sucks. I never intended to be popular or the best when I started blogging, but I felt like people knew who I was at least.
I question now if I failed myself, if I had just been more of a go-getter when indies came out, maybe I'd be OK. Very few indies I met at Cosmoprof even knew who I was. I often wonder if I've been too modest. If I've tried to stick so much to my principles of staying true to myself as a blogger that it has failed me. Or is my modesty really done in fear of failing or putting myself in a position where I'd have to be more than I think I can give?
I don't know. I do know that if I put myself out there and become more successful I'd hate blogging, but I also know that I feel like I keep myself in the shadows because I don't feel worthy enough either. I can't explain it, and I'm not sure if it makes sense. I don't feel worthy enough to share my posts in FB groups because I know there hundreds of bloggers better than me. I don't want anyone to think I'm foolish enough to believe that I am somebody worthy of attention or praise.
I'd rather come off as humble and modest than showy. I've dealt with enough showy and ostentatious people in my life that I'd hated to be referred to as either. Then again, I hold back enough to the point where I feel like I'm undeserving and lack self confidence. I get to where I'm feeling now where I don't appreciate myself or show myself kindness. I just feel like crap.
I know my place in this blog-o-sphere is probably not going to change. If anything, it will probably go down. That's just the nature of how things are now. Reviewing, much less reviewing mostly one nail polish at a time is not enough anymore. People want to see full collections. They want to see nail art. They want to see glamour shots of nail polish in sunlight with hints of holo fleck butterflies and rainbows. I don't have time for that nor do I want to make time to do that.
I have to resign to the fact that unless I want to to this that and the other, this is just where I'll be. The good thing is I still do have readers and people who like my blog. I appreciate the people who still stop by here. It's not all bad, but sometimes it sucks and feels bad. I do think I need to improve myself self confidence and realize I'm just as worthy as anyone to share my posts if I want. I'm not there yet though.
Thanks for listening...
